I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize