Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
