after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
