Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
