i may or may not be watching the land before time
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
