I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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