i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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