is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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