I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
