i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
