WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
