drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
