HIV tests are more positive than that guy
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
