peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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