the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
