she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i love accidental penises.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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