I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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