the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
