Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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