I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
