only if we run a train.
done.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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