Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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