i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
