new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just want nice things and good sex
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
