For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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