ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I'm passing your future prison.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
