seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
