you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
