I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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