Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
