Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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