Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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