Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
