it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
