it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
