On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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