I'm so fucking centered right now
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
