Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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