you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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