I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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