No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
