god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I want to be your penis for a week.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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