If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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