1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
