He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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