I was born with a shot glass in my hand
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
