Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
