Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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