highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
