i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
