Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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