Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
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