I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
