The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
