Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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