My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
