I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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