is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
