I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
