dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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