dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
