I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
