Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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