i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize