two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
