My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
i think my cat just said my name.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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