I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
